I am so sorry, but I’m going to be the bringer of bad news: When it comes to biking, Amsterdammers are not too keen on tourists giving it a go. Okay, most of the visitors paddle their way to the Anne Frank House or the Rijksmuseum without to much trouble. But there are some that make the hair on the back of our neck stand up. Don’t worry if you’re one of them: our only weapon is the fierce bell. Yes, that’s right: we will use our mighty bell to intimidate you.
These are the five types that get on Amsterdammers’ nerves.
The Lost Roadblocker
Lost, looking around and in the way. This type of tourist has realized he does not know where he is. He will stand in the middle of the bike lane, looking at a smartphone or map, with absolutely no clue on where to go next. The problem is that he was biking, realized he was lost and there, at that moment, stopped to look at the route. He did not manouvre to the side of the road, did not get off his bike and take it to the sidewalk, oh no. He froze in time and space. Blocking the whole road. Shame on him! Tip: never stop in the middle of the bike lane.
The Happy Novice
Enthusiastic, bubbly and oblivious. Some people seem to think that Amsterdam is a great place to try out cycling for the first time. That’s like practicing mountaineering on the Mount Everest. The technique with biking is to moooove. The faster you go, the steadier you are. But first timers will probably not dare to go that fast. As a result, they will wobble from left to right like cute little drunks. And with the unpredictable moves, they become a danger to the people trying to pass them. Pleeeeease first timers, don’t try out biking in Amsterdam. Rent a bike in the countryside where you can relax and get to know and tame the metal stallion.
The Totally Terrified
Absolutely panicked out of their mind. This type has realized a) he is on a bike, b) he cannot bike, c) he is in a bike lane and d) he does not want to go on paddling, ever. So he stops, on a crossing or in the middle of a busy road. Startled. He does not know whether to go left, right, get on again, walk to the side. Traffic starts to build up, honking of horns, ringing of bells. Crying is no option, but you can tell he realizes this is by far the worst moment of his life. Tip: never stop biking, always keep going. And if you stop, take it to curb. And remember, there’s no shame in walking. And it’s okay to cry.
The Invading Army
Groups of many, often American or Asian, cyclists. They come in packs, sometimes up to twenty people in a row, and take over the streets. The leader of the pack is always a jolly tour guide with bronzed skin and calves of steel. This is the Amsterdammers’ worst nightmare by far. For when you’re behind one of these, your stuck there. For hours, weeks, months! Alas, that’s what it feels like.
So, how do you move about in Amsterdam? Can you handle The Bike or do you keep it simple and take the ‘leg-wagon’, as we call it up here?
